Love Mixes and a Story.

I got the love mixes out on Tuesday which means they should be showing up in mailboxes any day now....

The song I chose for the mix was Fistful of Love by Antony and the Johnsons.It is not a classic love song. It is about tension, struggle and indifference within love. Each time I hear Fistull of Love, I am transported back to the moment it first entered my consciousness.

And a love story.

August 2005. It is about 8:00 at night, still very bright out and stifling hot. EJ and I had just moved into our new house about a month earlier. A first home purchase for the two of us. He worked as a music supervisor for w+k and would frequently come home with new music for me. I was working my egregious 12 hour days for the photographer that left me physically and emotionally drained.

EJ and I kinda had a passionate but rocky relationship.

Like this song I remember everything about the first time I ever saw him. What we wore, the temperature and tone of the light, the way he mouthed 'hi' to me through a crowd and I looked around like a dork to see who he was motioning to. Then he chuckled and come over. We had amazing, intense, heart warming conversations for the rest of the night and that was the beginning of a life changing romance.

He was over protective. I craved independence. He wanted to talk at length and say things like "it hurts my heart." Or fight. I would need to be quiet and alone and think until i am ready to react. He is selfish. I am stubborn. We were having tension around space and needs.

I was past talking. It was a very trying day and I situated myself in the kitchen with a crisp glass of pinot gris, cooking a risotto with fresh heirloom tomatoes, corn and basil from a Sauvie's. I was not looking forward to him coming home. He always wanted to lay down and reflect about life or the day...something. He would make me drop what I am doing to do so. I was enjoying my time in my space. Dread.

EJ walked into the house. Put the record on. Didn't say a word. Kissed me on the forehead and left me with Antony, my Pinot Gris and the simmering Risotto.

It was perfect. My insides melted. We toasted, we ate, we loved.

When I hear this song it makes me think of that moment. The love isn't necessarily in the lyrics or tone but in the memories that are infused in the music itself. And the moment when all the needs are met, and there is understanding, sympathy, compassion and love.

Love.